A Dead Rat in the Kitchen Sink

I kept watching, as having eaten the Rat-poison the day before (dutyfuly distributed by me) the ever so elusive rat was gasping for his last breaths and parched himself on the sink in our kitchen. It was part fear, part repulsion and part shame that i avoided even going near the sink, let alone think of doing something about the dying rat.
And as i kept thinking about the whole episode and my attitude to the dying rat, a set of thought was set in motion; what was happening inside myself, while i waited for the rat to take his last breath and die in the sink, waiting for an ‘aid’ to come and help me get rid of the ‘carcass’ .
The idea to deal with what is ugly, the filthy or the rotten makes me uneasy, restless and agitated so i try to postpone or procrastinate it, try so tha someone else may do the ‘dirty-job’.
I realised that i avoid anything that involves ‘getting my hands dirty’, to deal with the ugly, the filthy and the unwanted part of the story; the death, loosing battles, the oncoming disasters (physical, emotional, social as well economical) and sheer rottenness in the middle of our political and governance systems in India. I distaste and ignore what is the darker side of anything.
By choosing to ignore death, i am trying to ignore the very nature of life ‘death’ and in the process avoiding the guilt that may come for not doing anything for it. I always think of an Ostrich, who during the storm prefers to sink his head in sand, wanting to ignore it.

Fear, is my companion from childhood, I may not show it outwardly and may want to ignore it, but it will surface at the most mundane acts of daily life, like watching a scary-movie and just when its a show-time for dear ghost/vampire i will close my eyes, knowing full well that its going to come out in hideous forms.
And this fear, haunts my decision, the choices the actions consciously or sub-consciously. Why am i afraid? Of what am i afraid? I keep asking these questions, but with no answer.....